Considering Divorce
It’s difficult making choices when you’re not the only person affected by them.
Generally, we don’t enter a relationship thinking, “Eh, I’ve got a couple of years to spare.”
We enter the relationship with hopes that it will be nurturing, fulfilling, and long-lasting.
The truth is that having a nurturing, fulfilling, and long-lasting relationship is possible and can also be a challenge to maintain.
The struggle is real, AND the struggle can be worth it.
“Am I with the right partner?”
“My partner may no longer be right for me.”
“We no longer have a passionate sex life.”
All these thoughts and questions are normal at some point in the relationship.
Another truth is that most of the couples’ regret ending the relationship or divorcing within a year.
The cost of prematurely ending a relationship goes well beyond financial.
The emotional and familial damage are far greater risks.
Often, couples come into the office without fully knowing which path they want to choose (keeping the relationship as is, working to improve the relationship, or to end the relationship).
Other couples come in with one person wanting to improve the relationship while the other wants out.
Truthfully, I don’t have to be married to either one of you…
…so, I don’t have a preference which path you choose, but I will work with you to make these decisions that you won’t regret later.
While working with couples considering divorce, I use Discernment Counseling. This is different from therapy.
In Discernment Counseling, we do not focus on fixing the problems within the marriage. Instead, we focus on whether or not to try to fix the problems in the marriage.
We focus on making a decision to remain married (maintaining the status quo), moving forward with divorce, or entering into couples therapy.
Discernment Counseling is used with couples described as “mixed agenda couples.”
These are couples with individual partners on different paths. For example, one may want to enter couples therapy, while the other is leaning toward ending the marriage. Discernment counseling is brief and generally lasts between 1-5 sessions.
The goals in Discernment Counseling are helping couples gain clarity, understanding each partner’s role in the current state of the marriage, and gaining confidence in the final decision regarding the path the couple chooses.
Because Discernment Counseling is brief, the sessions are generally longer in length. I see the couple together for part of the session, then I will see each partner separately before bringing the couple back together at the end of the session for further processing.
Couples therapy is often entered prematurely.
Mixed agenda couples are less likely to benefit fully from therapy and working on problems if one partner isn’t sure they even want to remain in the marriage. This ultimately increases stress in both partners and results in failed couples therapy.
Discernment Counseling is not appropriate for couples in which active abuse is occurring. It is not utilized to help one partner break the news of divorce intention to the other partner.
You and your partner can make the right choice for your relationship.
Some of my greatest accomplishments as a therapist have been working with couples who want to end their relationship with integrity.
They want to successfully co-parent children in loving and consistent homes that are nurturing and collaborative in order to provide individually healthy homes.
Other times, I’ve worked with couples who go on to couples therapy and find meaningful connection and passion within the marriage.
There is no right or wrong path in Discernment Counseling.
There is only the right path for each couple.
I will be there with you to help you gain confidence in the decisions you make regarding the next step of your marriage.
Call me at (719) 649-6066 to gain clarity and confidence regarding your path.